1 “Be careful not to practice your wrestling moves in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will get no paycheck from Roderick James McMahon in Wrestlemania.
2 “So when you hang out with the other wrestlers, do not announce it on Twitter, as the hypocrites do in TNA and in UFC, to be followed by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you hang out with other wrestlers, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that kayfabe may be secret. Then Roderick James McMahon, who sees what is done in secret, will pay you.
21st December 2011
Notes: 5
Bob Backlund Accepts Andre the Giant as His Son
18 This is how the birth of Andre the Giant came about: His mother the Fabulous Moolah was pledged to be married to Bob Backlund, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Ghost of Frank Gotch. 19 Because Bob Backlund, her husband, was faithful to the law, and yetdid not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
20 But after he had considered this, a ringside announcer appeared to him in a dream and said, “Bob Backlund son of Verne Gagne, do not be afraid to take the Fabulous Moolah home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Ghost of Frank Gotch. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Andre the Giant,because he will teach his people how to piledrive.”
Andre the Giant Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one becomes WWF champion except through me.
Then Andre the Giant said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before The Big Show was, I Am.”
Andre the Giant Jesus and the Parable of the Powerslam
1 After this, Andre the Giant traveled about from one stadium and arena to another, proclaiming the good news about Wrestlemania. The Twelve were with him, 2 and also some women who had been trained to piledrive and bodyslam: Nattie Neidhart (called Natalya) from whom seven wrestling moves had come out (including the “Nattie by Nature); Alicia Fox the wife of Mercury, the manager of Melina’s household; Tori Wilson; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.
4 While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Andre the Gian from town after town, he told this parable: 5 “A wrestler went out to practice his bodyslam. As he was practicing, sometimes he slammed his opponent in the ring; he quickly got up and trampled on the wrestler. 6 Sometimes he slammed from the top rope, and when the came down, the wrestler also withered because he too had to fall. 7 Other slams fell among ring announcers, who grew up with it and assaulted both wrestlers. 8 Still slams were powerful. Some were done on the floor outside the ring. The wrestler came up and yielded a count out or pinfall, a hundred times more than the others.”
When Andre said this, he called out, “Whoever has arms to slam, let them powerslam.”
9 His disciples asked him what this parable meant. 10 He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of Wrestlemania has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, because, “‘though seeing, they may not see; though piledriving, they may not powerslam.’[a]
11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The powerslam is the wrestling move of Roderick James McMahon. 12 Those who slam in the ring are the ones who hear, and then Hulk Hogan comes and super leg drops away the move from their hearts, so that they may not watch Wrestlemania. 13 Those slammed from the top rope are the ones who receive the move with joy when they hear it, but they have no ability to perform it. They try and try, but in the time of testing they fall. 14 The slam that fell among ring announcers stands for those who hear, but as they go to powerslam they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not practice. 15 But the true powerslam, and the one outside the ring, stands for those with a noble and good heart, who learn the move, retain it, and in so doing, win many matches.
Andre the Giant Walks on the Top Rope
22 Immediately Andre the Giant made the disciples get up the entrance ramp to the locker room without him, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up to a secluded hotel penthouse by himself to practice his piledriver. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and locker room was a considerable distance from the ring, music blared from the speakers – the clean-up were jamming while cleaning the stadium.
25 Shortly before dawn Andre the Giant went out to them, walking on the top rope. 26 The disciples came out of the locker room and saw him walking on the top rope. They were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Andre the Giant immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Andre, if it’s you,” Hillbilly Jim replied, “tell me to come to you on the top rope.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Hillbilly Jim went down the entrance ramp, got up on the top rope and came toward Andre. 30 But when he heard the music, he was afraid and, beginning to stumble, cried out, “Andre, save me!”
31 Immediately Andre reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” He then bodyslammed Hillbilly Jim.
32 And when they climbed down into the ring, the music died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the son of Roderick James McMahon.”
Andre the Giant Jesus was telling parables, attempting to explain Wrestlemania.
The Parables of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl
44 “Wrestlemania is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he used it to buy every pay-per-view event, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought the largest flat-screen TV he could.
45 “Again, the Wrestlemania is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 46 When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and did the same thing he had done with the treasure.”
Andre, the Giant Jesus, Feeds the Audience
1Some time after this, Andre the Giant crossed to the far shore of the Los Angeles Sports Arena, 2and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the miraculous signs the audience carries during WWF broadcasts. 3Then Andre the Giant went up to the ring and had a battle royale with his disciples. 4The WWF holiday party was near.
5When Andre the Giant looked up, victorious once again, and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Brutus the Barber Beefcake, “Where are the concession stands for these people to eat?” 6He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
7Brutus answered him, “You’ve eaten all the food from the concession stands, oh great Giant. There is not enough for one person to have a bite!”
8Another of his disciples, The Junkyard Dog, Koko B Ware’s brother, spoke up, 9“Here is a boy with five small corn dogs and two nacho trays, but how far will they go among so many?”
10Andre the Giant said, “Have the people take their seats.” There were just enough seats as the stadium was filled to max capacity. 11Andre then took the corn dogs, squeezed mustard on them, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the nachos.
12When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” 13So they gathered them and filled twelve carts with the pieces of the five corn dogs left over.
14After the people saw the miraculous signs in the audience and the awesome thing that Andre the Giant did, they began to say, “Surely this is the WWF Champion who is to come into the world.” 15Andre, knowing that they intended to come and make him champion by force, withdrew to a secluded hotel penthouse.
1 Now the Festival of the WWE, called the Smackdown, was approaching, 2 and producers and The Brain Busters were looking for some way to get rid of Andre The Giant, for they were afraid of the people. 3 Then Hulk Hogan entered Vince McMahon, called The Chairman, one of the The Board Of Directors. 4 And Vince McMahon went to The Brain Busters and discussed with them how he might betray Andre. 5 They were delighted and agreed to give him money. 6 He consented, and watched for an opportunity to hand Andre over to them when no crowd was present.
Andre the Giant Jesus teaches Mean Gene Okerlund
1 Now there was a Ring Announcer, a man named Mean Gene Okerlund who was a member of the World Wrestling Federation announcing team.
2 He came to Andre the Giant at night and said, “Giant, we know that you are a wrestler who has come from Roderick James McMahon. For no one could perform the in-ring moves you are doing if Roderick James McMahon were not with him.”
3 Andre replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see Wrestlemania unless they are given a ring entrance again.”
4 “How can someone be given a ring entrance when they are old?” Mean Gene Okerlund asked. “Surely they cannot enter a second time into ring to wrestle!”
5 Andre answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter Wrestlemania unless they are given a ring entrance both of Loud Music and Pyrotechnics.
6 “Musicians licensed by the WWF(E) gives birth to Loud Music, but the Pyrotechnician gives birth to Pyrotechnics.
7 “You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must have a second ring entrance.’
8 “The Jesse The Body Ventura says whatever he pleases. You hear his voice, but you cannot tell what he is going to say or where it is going. So it is with everyone given Pyrotechnic displays.”
9 “How can this be?” Mean Gene Okerlund asked.
10 “You are The USA Network’s ring announcer and commentator,” said Andre, “and do you not understand these things?
11 “Very truly I tell you, we wrestle using the moves we know, and we talk about the matches we have seen, but still you people do not accept our monologues.
12 “I have spoken to you of Royal Rumbe things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of Wrestlemania things?
13 “No one has ever gone into Wrestlemania except the one who came from Wrestlemania—the WWF(E) fans.
14 “Just as Bruno Samartino lifted up Jake the Snake in Madison Square Garden, so WWF fan must be lifted up,
15 “that everyone who watches wrestling may have watch Wrestlemania in private boxed seating.”
16 For Roderick James McMahon so loved the world, that her powerslammed his only begotten son, that whosoever purchaseth his T-shirts and assorted memoriabilia should not be tombstone piledrived, but have eternal access to Wrestlemania.
